it is the vital essence in everyone's soul...
it is the entity which one feels delirious,
butterflies in the stomach,
flashy brilliant smiles,
radiant glowing faces,
tingling as it touches our skin,
a bounce in every step,
an adrenaline rush to the face everytime it appears..
its...love..
to me..love is..
absolute..
amazing..
electrifying..
security..
wonderful..
kind..
everlasting..
justified..
forgiving..
to cherish..
and to be cherished as well..
uplifting..
life..
here i am.. in my boo's room... sigh.. 12 more hours and i'll be flying back to kl.. kuching.. land of grrsss.. meows.. and slow movement from public.. or.. people in kl's probably moving too fast.. when i was here.. taken aback by how short the distance to one point to another.. 5 minutes.. and pop!you're there.. kl?? 1 hour is possible...
sigh.. i'll be missing him the most.. after this trip..don't know if i'll be seeing him face to face again.. maybe 3 months later perhaps?it'll be a year we started this relationship.. long distance.. seems its working for people like me...lol...
signing off....
it's been quite long since i blog..
yesterday was a bad day.. got scolding by sis.. and mum.. thanks to my sis mum eventually listened to her side not mine.. what's wrong with going to the library even when there's study break and exam's two weeks away, especially when you can't concentrate studying at home???sigh...i know which surrounding i'm best at studying. it's not theirs to decide.. furthermore it's like.. my lecturers are in college..so as some of my friends. so what's wrong with establishing a study group sort of thing?it might not work for majority.. but it works for me. different people have different ways to getting knowledge into their minds. sigh.. it's like.. when i get to stay with my mother.. things don't go smoothly for me. in the end i have to like.. wake up six thirty in the morning. send bro to the gym, off to college.. at seven thirty when some of the days classes don't start at eight i still have to wait.. and my classes don't end at two or anything later than that except for extra classes. my day ends at five thirty in college. then i will have to pick my brother up from his office. and then send him to my uncle's cafe to work.. till ten at night. with me waiting for him there sometimes..and helping out as well. when we got back to the house.. it's close to eleven.. sometimes we have to run errands for our dad.. or uncles... ain't that nice?? i don't stay with my sister. she doesn't know how it's like to bathe super late. unexpected errands.. stuff like that... it's restless.. it's like... we're the ones who have to do something for people..who can actually do it for themselves.. how selfish can one be.. on taking advantage on other people.
when i get home to my mum's during weekends..whole load of household chores waiting for me to do.. i didn't complain.. just played my part.. but when that day my brother questioned me why didnt i do any household chores.. i just exploded. it's like.. my sis is there all the time. she' stays here. i get home on weekends. helping out the most of it. and in the end i'm the one to be blamed? grace this.. grace that... they expect me to know what's going on in the family at yet they can go ask from each other themselves. i am not a messenger. i am a person. who is also trying to survive. doing my best to get good grades. and to them it seems i'm the only one who's so free.. simply got nothing to do.. just because of the assumption..*you don't know what it's like to work out there*.. excuse me??just because i don't work? it's unacceptable. when you stay in a house. it's everyone's role to do something.. not just pushing responsibilities towards one another. and the main problem of the family is lack of communication. one expects the other to be smart. to read their minds. to get what they meant.
but yet it's pointless to point it out. because i'm the youngest. they do not accept on what i can see right in front of my very own eyes. they refuse to accept it's part of their faults as well.i have my faults. not to say i'm the angel in the household. but at least i admit it.right now i rather stick to my eldest brother.. who seems to know what i am facing through. pressure from my father who doesn't really know what i do outside. who thinks i simply love to go to malls.. simply roam about..
wander around..i don't go out at night, i don't go out clubbing. i do most of my activities in the day. if it was to be at night, i have no choice because i am sharing the same car with my brother. if you're a good parent who knows the capability of your child, and what makes your child unable to accomplish that specific area.. you'll try to find out. not by keep on saying out words which aren't true. i know he has got no time for me. for i'm the only one left studying for my mum's side of the family. and it's like.. sigh.. living in denial..
sigh.. last week was a bad day for me too. got elbowed by cris.. one thing i do not get about him..i messaged him trying to patch up the friendship we used to have.. and he doesn't reply my messages. that's alright. but where did i go wrong?is it human's nature to pretend as if there's disturbance among themselves that they simply choose to ignore it? is it so hard to tell the person off? for specific reasons? say it to my face. don't let me live in such hardships where i do not know where is my wrong. or whatever caused it. if it's my mistake i am sorry. aih.. regardless of how many times i tried to reach out to him he just shuns me off. and when that day.. i got elbowed.. oh my.. great.. just great.. super swell.. huge lump on my left temple. and the next day's my biology paper. went to sit for it feeling so freaking dizzy. headache. not able to chew like normal. it's like deep impact. the best part...?? i didn't get any apologies that night.. or any other time of the day until now. it was definitely an accident where he got hurt somehow as well.. but.. of all things.. ignorance again? when he sees me then only he asked.. how are you? i was taken aback.. you know my phone number.. and yet four days later you manage to take up the courage to say.. how are you??superb!!!! yes no one is to be blamed.and to my point of view.. no matter what causes an accident.. one has to apologise. and i didnt touch any part of him. he elbowed me instead. so tell me this.. what's right or wrong?? an accident occurs.. and you got hit. did the person hit you apologise to you? haha.. that's the question . yet again i guess it's just him. egoistic? or just *serves you right*?? guess it all ends up to serves you right..
and yesterday.. i got held up by the police traffic from the road block..for unacceptable reasons.. was driving uphill and then one of the policeman looked at my face..and stopped me. reason?? my back left brake light is not functioning.. after i stopped the car. what in the world...?? i got held up because of that? because of after they circled around my car.. took a good look at me.. my age..??my car?trying to find a fault on the spot?one thing i am sure of... bribery. so i just acted dumb. spoke in english.. where to my horror.. they can't seem to reply me in english.. and asked me to spoke in malay language instead.
it goes like..
me:what seems to be the matter officer..??
him: (in b.m) good evening miss.. can i have your driving licence please?
so i took out my licence..
him: wait for awhile miss...
he circled around my car.. looking at my number plates both back and front, checking if there's anything wrong on the spot.. marvelous isn't it??
him:miss one of your brake light on the left hand side isn't working.
me: oh really? but i just changed it few days back. and i don't use this car. it belongs to my brother. i was doing an errand for him. it was important.
him: which college are you from miss?
me:sedaya.
him: oh i see(probably dissapointed that i'm not from sunway or taylor's...cuz rich kids go there..hahahah)
him: now i am going to issue you a saman.
me: is it on my name(act dumb)..i seldom drive this car.. i dorve it because i have to today for an emergency.. i have never been in such situation before.. can i contact my brother please?
him: it's ok. go ahead..
so i called my bro.. he said just bribe them.. sigh.. i told him that there were five of them there.. and each of them wearing the saya anti rasuah thingy.. if i bribed them then i'll be in big trouble.. so i just said no.. and handled things myself.. my bro told me to open up the boot, and check what seems to be the matter... as if looking for what's wrong with the brake light... so eventually i did.. and it took up most of their time.. about fifteen minutes.. making them irritated with me.. because i manage to distract them.. and most of their hunted ones got away..haha..
so one of the officer... who detained me.. in a pissed off voice.. said *fine you may leave now*..
i was taken aback.. so i asked him three times again and again. and he gave me back my licence along with my ic.. i asked him if there's any saman issued under my name he said no.. so i was free to go.. there wasn't any warning on if my brake lights aren't working again or some sort..so.. it really struck me weird...lol....that eventually made my day alright..
but when it comes to at night... after basketball training.. i vomited .. red faced.. super exhausted.. and probably quitting basketball.. once and for all..what a day huh...
peekaboo!!here i am again.. writing a new post. crapping all the way to lala land. what happened this past few months? plenty. don't know where to start. it's like i'm caught between the tides.drifting apart. sigh... family's been sucky lately. ohh.. have a sis in law now.. :).. she's cool.. haha.. another member in the complicated family of mine. but why marry at such an early age? looking at my brothers, i'm kinda afraid to get into a relationship already.. so many things to do.. so little time..need lots of understanding.. income unstable.. romours from lots of people. they can never stop talking.
my family.. not talking about the nucleus one.. but the extended.. until i can barely know whether strangers i met on the streets is actually related in blood.grandpa passed away few years back. left my paternal grandma lonely in life. even though she has got so many kids and grandkids. do her kids actually care? one of them is successful.. and yet i can't see anything done for her. only we-specifically.. my siblings and i.. run errands for her. visit her from time to time. yes i agree it's a part of our obligation as a grandchild, to take care of the older ones. but there are limitations where we can't exceed. some of us don't have the income to do so many things. and it's like.. six aunts and five uncles. amazing how many you can give birth to and yet they tend to forget about one mother who's sick and lonely at home waiting for their phonecall or caring faces showing up at the door. let's calculate... eleven to one..(daddy's not counted cuz he's ok ok la...)WOW... amazing..isn't it?
okay.. i know i'm a rascal bitching about my own uncles and aunts. but.. i love my grandma. she's the kindest. in the family . doesn't show favourism nor hatred. throughout her bitter years.. how she struggled to get things together. tolerate a few bitches in the family. cook delicious things. learned how to survive without my grandpa. and ageing gracefully. i'll have to admit.. i am a banana in hokkien dialect. so i do have lots of trouble communicating with my grandma. and sometimes i can't do things for her due to lack of communication. but it's fun to see both of us giving hand signs, smiling and hugging. smooching too..kekekeke....
nothing's like home..?? i'd say nothing's like a happy home..
end of crap.
i have to admit.. as i type this down.. tears start to form from my teary glands.. i didn't know what went wrong between the both of me and you. i'm not speaking of Romero..... i'm speaking of someone who i used to know.. who i thought he's a great guy, who seems capable of handling things.. till one day.. he just broke down.. and i did the best i can to cheer him up.. as in try to be there for him.. and through this i did not mention anything about his problem. but to support him. and to be a friend. and i thought i did the best i could.. but..yet.. he slipped away further.. he avoided me. i didn't know why.. and all that i could think of is that i messaged him.. not even trying to talk about the matter... and when the problem he had was solved.... i congratulated him... i wished him for the best.. i support his decision.. .. and still..... he avoids me?? i don't get you... things you tell me through messages..it's like hanging in mid-air.. leaving me without an answer of how is your condition. leaving me worried about how to tell you things will be alright.. but.. all i get was....that i don't understand? of course i don't understand.. you yourself did not tell me the whole situation.. sigh......how was i to know if there's anything bad going on.. anything that will make your day? anything about like -hey i gtg.. got things to attend to.. get you updated or stuff like that..
or i am the one being so stupid to worry for you?? i certainly dont blame myself for doing so. sigh... seems to me i have fate with your car more than i have fate with you in college everyday. and when i thought.. that you were there for me.. and i can be there for you as well...
guess it wont be the same again between us huh?? i wish you all the best...
i wished under the stars,
that no matter where you are,
light will be there to guide you.
i wished under the tree,
that you will always be free,
from darkness and sadness.
i wished under the moonlight,
that your love for me is bright,
to shine all over in the universe.
i wished under the falling snow,
that His hand protects you,
from danger and harm.
i wished in the rain,
that i can take away all your pain,
just for the sake of your happiness.
and what i wish for now??
is that i wish i'm right beside you,
to make things right,
to love you more,
to hug you tightly,
to kiss you sweetly,
to listen to your voice singing to me,
and i could go on forever listing them out..
but it won't be a surprise anymore when i do right??:)........
but most of all..
no matter what i wish for,
i wish to be with you,
forever and ever...and ever............
damn you motorcyclists......... hit and run~~!!! you bunch of sadistic madrachords...........punanis....... latruu jacruus........... don't know how to slam the brakes!!!!how inconcievable you bunch of buttheads!!!
i was stuck in the jam at leisure mall on one sizzling friday night, where people come out to chill and shake their booty like no one's business........ and ta-da.......my arse got hit by this dumb madrachords........ shit you guys........ wanted to get down from the car, my pants was too short. wanted to honk loudly, it will disrupt the whole community, wanted to wind down my window and shout bad words....but what i did???stunned....... and stared at them riding away......... haih.....i guess when it comes to situations like this... you don't know how to react at first....... bunch of madrachords.......don't let me see you anymore on the road....or i will hunt your sore arses down...........
jezz......so many things happened. got involved into an accident........shit shit shit........ stupid cross junction. dumb people who eat up the yellow box thingy...... screw those who speed at that dumb cross junction... dumb truck which kept me hidden from viewed. dumb of me for being such a shortarse....... shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! arrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............i am so freaking angry at myself for leeting it happen........... aih...... was trying to save up some money for daddy cuz feeling guilty about spending too much in college and stuff... now it's like so freaking shitty.. the damage was 595 buckerros.......and it aint my car........aih......... my car.. not fixed yet........ left signal light casing got smashed...... front part got dented........haih......... dumb &*%^ss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ohh..how my body ache after all the weight carrying according to the beat of the music in body pump class...yeap..still hurts till now...went to FF on thursday..before that had a workout at the college gym... ran for about 2 km on the treadmill under 20 minutes.. fuu.. so tiring..after that went to play ball.then enter my maths class..all sweaty and stuff..changed my skirt into shorts..wakakkaa..freaking hot on that day..then after class play ball again..till bernard finish his class..offered to send me to lrt station..good friend..:)..anyway.. went to SPK at jln sultan ismail..where my sister works...absolutely superb~~!!.......joined her class for one hour... oh my gawd..my legs were screaming for murder.hee... shoulders ached...biceps and triceps lembik already..hahah....chest and back aching...aikzz...but it was good......enjoyed myself.... best part of the night...my sis treat me TGIF's...yummy.......craved into chicken and dessert.................ahhhhhhhhh..........desiring and pleasuring.........
